Okay, maybe just a chuckle and the occasional groan?
We’ve done our best to compile all the (mostly) decent jokes we can find about accountants. (Some are even funny!)
Now available in the Bay Street Group Store
Click here to buy the instant download
Have you heard the one about…
- The difference between introverted and extroverted accountants?
- What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
- How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?
- How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
- Do you know the three kinds of accountants?
- Why do accountants make great lovers?
All in the downloadable e-book, free from CPA Trendlines. Get yours today. Share it with friends. Be the life of the party! (Or not.)
ADD-A-JOKE: Click here to add your best (worst?) accountant’s joke to Comments.
11 Responses to “Need a Laugh? Try “The Accountant’s (Bad) Joke Book””
Julie A. Mucha-Aydlott, CFE
A colleague sent over your book on bad accounting jokes. I really enjoyed it, my favorite joke really has to be one about the Division Manager.
That being said, here is my little joke for the day.
How do you know when a fraud accountant reads a book on bad accounting jokes?
When she emails the author and concludes that her evidence shows that the only accountants in the authors imagination were male……
(I would much rather have people make fun of male accountants anyway.)
Thanks for the good laugh on a Monday.
Julie
Julie A. Mucha-Aydlott, CFE
Certified Fraud Examiner / Accountant
Loveland, CO
Phil McGarrity
It’s Passover and an accountant is sitting on a bench next to a blind man. He gives the blind man some matzoh.
The blind man says, “Who writes this crap?”
Just came across these, they are predominantly tax related……………..
“Monday, April 15th, taxes are due. I just don’t pay them. Yeah, this year Arthur Anderson did my taxes, I’m getting $6 billion back.” —Conan O’Brien
What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents? Skeet.
What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent? His co-workers.
How are an apple and an I.R.S. agent alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.
What’s brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent? A Doberman
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
Two income tax collectors died and arrived at the pearly gates. Just ahead of them were two clergy, but St. Peter motioned them aside and took the internal revenue agents into heaven at once. “Why them ahead of us?” the surprised religious leaders asked. “Haven’t we done everything possible to spread the good word?” “Yes,” said St. Peter, “but those two IRS agents scared the Hell out of more people than you ever did!”
A professor of taxation delivers a highly detailed, brilliant lecture drawing the distinction between tax avoidance and tax evasion. He then asks his brightest student, “Tell us succinctly what the difference is between tax avoidance and tax evasion.” The student replies: “Jail.”
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, “Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.” “Thank God,” returned Mr. Carr, “I thought you were going to want cash!”
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, two policemen came by. While one pulled the gentleman over, the second stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks. “I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I’m going to have to write you a ticket.”Amazed, the driver asked, “For what?!” The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”
Taxpayers who do not itemize their deductions may now file their tax returns via Etch A Sketch.
– David Barry
Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS?”
Last year there were two ways of filing your income tax. They were both wrong!
Question: Are there any species of ants that can count?
Answer: Yes! AccountANTS!
How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?” asked the IRS auditor. “Well,” the taxpayer answered, “while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, ‘I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I’ll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen’. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa.” “How can you prove such an unbelievable story?” “Well, you can see the villa, can’t you?”
Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the credit, and the other takes the cash.
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle because you’ve made many more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”
A financial planner suggested to a wealthy client that he should invest in a circus. The client expressed great surprise at such an unusual recommendation: “A circus? Why on earth should I buy into a circus?” The financial planner replied: “Because of the elephants.” The client, puzzled even more, then asked: “The elephants? What is the connection between circus elephants and investments?” The financial planner asked: “Well, do you know much it costs to feed an elephant?” The client, slightly annoyed, responded: “No, of course I do not know much it costs to feed an elephant.” The financial planner explained: “Well, neither does the Taxation Commissioner.”
Is a clergyman’s tax return full of “nones”?
If the chance of getting a tax audit is 1000 to 1, why is it 50/50 that it will be you?
At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. “The poll tax,” he said. “But the poll tax was repealed,” replied the commissioner. “Ay-ah,” declared the man, “that’s what I like about it.”
The Australian Federal Police sent three photographs of a man wanted for tax evasion to their Irish counterparts, saying that they had reason to believe that he had escaped to Ireland. The photos were front face and two side shots. Three weeks later the Irish Police sent back a message: “We got the fellow in the middle, but we are still looking for the other two.”
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.” “That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
Q. How many tax advisers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Next summer there is a tax-deductible convention in Hawaii, dealing with this precise issue.
“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”
“It is.”
“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”
“I can.”
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”
“I do.”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“He is.”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will.”
A taxpayer recently sent the IRS twenty-five cents with a note saying he understood that he could pay his taxes by the quarter.
If you want to foil that Internal Revenue Service computer, fill out your income tax form using Roman numerals.
An accountant tries horseback riding: Yesterday I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell headfirst to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.
An investor went to a tax expert and said: “If I give you $1,000, will you answer two questions?”
The expert replied: “Certainly. And what is the other question?”
A California taxpayer recently moaned, “I owe the government so much money it doesn’t know whether to throw me out or recognize me as a foreign power.”
When Congress tries to decide between two new taxes, it’s like a woman deciding between two dresses – she usually decides to take both.
To err is human, but this you should learn.
Do not be human on your tax return.
A father in Georgia called his local IRS office to ask if he could deduct the cost of his daughter’s wedding as a “total loss”?
No longer does 1040 scare me; I fill it without sufferin.
I read the instructions, grab hold of my pen
And my aspirin, my Anacin and my Bufferin.
The client went to the CPA and said, I filed my taxes electronically to speed things up, and it worked. I got an audit letter in half the normal time.
The IRS is helping us with our errands this year. . . . They are taking us to the cleaners.
It’s strange how a person with no sense of humor can come up with such funny answers on his/her tax return.
Jennifer Spiers
A group of accoutants and a group of engineers happened to be on the same train, going to their annual conventions.
Each of the engineers had his/her own train ticket. But the accountants had only ONE ticket for all of them.
The engineers started laughing and snickering. The accountants ignored the laughter. Then, one of the accountants said, “Here comes the conductor.” All of the accountants piled into the bathroom. The engineers were puzzled.
The conductor came aboard and collected tickets from all the engineers. He went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said “Ticket please.” An accountant stuck their only ticket under the door. The conductor took the ticket and left. A few minutes later, the accountants emerged from the bathroom. The engineers felt really stupid.
On the way back from the convention, the group of engineering majors had ONE ticket for their group. They started snickering at the accountants, who had NO tickets amongst them. When the accountant lookout shouted “Conductor coming!”, all the accountants again piled into a bathroom.
All of the engineers went into another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the accountants left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said “Ticket please.”
Steven Butler
How many of us went to our calculators to see if 8 X 5 = 40?
Ian Painter
Rick you missed the old one
Accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Cheers
Ian Painter
Partner
PKF
Adelaide | South Australia
Phil McGarrity
I think you missed these…
An Arthur Anderson partner comes back to his office and says to his manager, “Did you get my message where I said, ‘Ship the Enron documents to the Feds’?”
The manager goes white. “Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron documents to shreds.”
Q: Where do homeless accountants live?
A: In a tax shelter.
Q: What do accountants do for fun?
A: Add the telephone book.
Q: What’s the difference between counting and accounting?
A: Counting is a simple itemization (i.e. one, two, three, etc.). An accountant, however will say “a one, a two, a three…………”
Q: Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks?
A: Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
A: The accountant knows he is boring.
Accountants don’t die, they just lose their balance.
Q: What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
Q: Who was the first accountant?
A: Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
Q: What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?
A: The difference between accounting theory and practice.
Q: A lot of people still have the first dollar they ever made.
A: Uncle Sam has all the others.
Q: Some people think the government owes them a living.
A: The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.
There are two types of people who complain about paying their income tax.
Men and women.
Q: What’s the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?
A: An insurance company actuary can tell you approximately how many people will die this year in a given geographical area. A mafia actuary can give you the exact number, name them, and show you where they’re buried.
Lydia Cook
Need a Laugh? Try “The Accountant’s (Bad) Joke Book” http://t.co/pIOTJPk
Dave Dearman
Thanks for the laughs.
I value your blog as a resource for all sorts of useful information for my accounting students (and myself). Thank you for the wonderful service you provide.
Dave Albrecht
Rick,
Nice job on the joke book.
Greg Smith
Hi Rick,
I am enjoying the joke book, I think it is great!
Greg
"Harry Legs"
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because that’s the way they did it last year.