Tax Season Funnies: A Tax Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Older businessman with younger businessman trailing behind himAlso: How to be a good tax professional.
As collected by Robert E. Mckenzie
Have you heard of the "audit lottery"? It's a game where 99.5 percent of the people are winners. If the IRS pulls your number, you lose. Everyone else is a winner.

MORE: Tax Season Funnies: Gargoyles in the IRS? | Tax Season Funnies: The ‘Service’ in IRS
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If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it. Either of which is probably tax deductible.

Why is it that those who are only concerned about how big their tax loss will be are surprised when their tax loss investment turns into a real loss?
Q. What does it take to be a good tax professional?
A. Two things – grey hair and hemorrhoids. The grey hair makes you look distinguished and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.
“There is untold wealth in America – especially at income tax time.” – Anonymous
St. Peter asks if the lawyer was religious in life. Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? Give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”
The lawyer says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face.”
“Wow,” said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen?”
“Oh, about 10 minutes ago,” replied the lawyer.
Dear Tide:
I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have. I have used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out.
After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!
I thank you, once again, for a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

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