Tax Season Funnies: What Money Can Buy

Businessman ogling money over another's shoulderPlus the world’s oldest profession.

As collected by Robert E. Mckenzie

  • “A tax shelter is a dumb transaction done by smart people that will put my kids through college.” – Chuck Rettig, current IRS commissioner, as quoted in 2005
  • “I don’t care about money. I just want to be wonderful.” – Marilyn Monroe

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  • “Money doesn’t talk, it swears.” – Bob Dylan

  • “The first time, you marry for love; the second, for money; and the third, for companionship.” – Jacqueline Kennedy
  • “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
  • “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.” – David Lee Roth
  • “Money doesn’t buy happiness – but happiness isn’t everything.” – Jean Seberg
  • If you think it’s expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur.” Red Adair
  • “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
  • “Yes, every year, despite my best intentions, I wind up rushing to complete my returns at the last minute. A dark cloud and a constant nagging doubt haunt the entire first quarter of every year.” – Danny Tyree, Summit Daily, 4-13-14
  • “I’m not going to pay taxes. When they say I’m going to prison, I’ll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we’ll call it even.” – Jimmy Kimmel
  • A tax accountant was walking down the street when a homeless person accosted him. “Please sir, can you spare some change? I haven’t eaten in two days.”

The accountant said, “Force yourself!” – Courtesy of Hugh Bell

  • A surgeon, an accountant and a lawyer were arguing about which of them was practicing the oldest profession. The surgeon said, “God created Eve from Adam’s rib. Obviously, God is a surgeon, so medicine is the oldest profession.” The accountant protested, “Before God created Eve from Adam’s rib, he created an orderly universe from chaos. That clearly shows that God was an accountant before he was a surgeon. Accounting, then, has to be the oldest profession.” The lawyer sat for a moment smiling, looking at the surgeon and the accountant. “That may be true,” the lawyer said, shrugging his shoulders, “but who created the chaos?”