Tax Season Funnies: Estate Planning in Ancient Egypt

Plus alligators discuss lawyers.
As collected by Robert E. Mckenzie
  • "Needless tax complexity promotes chaos and confusion and gives the taxpayer a ready excuse for inattention to detail merging toward outright noncompliance." – Gene Steuerle

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  • "The ancient Egyptians built elaborate fortresses and tunnels and even posted guards at tombs to stop grave robbers. In today’s America, we call that estate planning." – Congressman Bill Archer 

  • "Everything today is taxes ... What better seat on the grandstand of life can I offer you than that of tax counsel ... Who is the figure behind every great man, the individual who knows his ultimate secrets? A father confessor? Hell no, the tax expert." – Louis Auchincloss (The Partners)
  • This quote should read in context of the current IRS Whistleblower Program, which pays millions of dollars each year to reward informants: "The greatest scourge of mankind, the detestable race of tax informers, must be stopped. We must stifle it in its first efforts and tear out the pernicious tongue of envy. Let not the judges receive ... information of the informer; let them be given up to punishment as soon as any of them appear." – Caesar Constantine 
  • "(T)he worst thing about (the week before tax returns are due) may not be the taxes themselves, but the commiserating rhetoric of the politicians who, having created the present tax system, will spend the next few days deploring it as if it were the handiwork of strangers." – The Washington Post
  • "Most voters would rather have their purse or wallet stolen than be audited by the IRS." – Frank Luntz
  • "Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. It’s rational and always works the same way." – Jerold Rochwald
 
  • Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
 
  • "It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself." – Mark Twain
 
  • Lawyers and Alligators
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids ... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase."
 
  • Something for the Dear Departed
A lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.”
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred-dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.