Tax Season Funnies: Lawyer Vs. Accountant

Overhead view of 4 hands putting together 4 puzzle piecesALSO: Wait, that’s not what the box means?

As collected by Robert E. Mckenzie

  • “Yes: here’s to the founding fathers – slave-owning British citizens who didn’t want to pay taxes …” – David Mazzucchelli

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  • “Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.” – Evan Esar

  • “Few of us ever test our powers of deduction, except when filling out an income tax form.” – Laurence J. Peter, author
  • “In 1790, the nation which had fought a revolution against taxation without representation discovered that some of its citizens weren’t much happier about taxation with representation.” – Lyndon B. Johnson
  • It’s a weird world. The strong take away from the weak, the clever take away from the strong, and the government takes away from everybody.
  • “When not on vacation (which is a lot of the time, fortunately for the republic), Congress can be hazardous to our health.” – Mike Causey, Federal News Radio, 4/6/17
  • “Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.” – Will Rogers
  • “The government is really asking a lot of us this month – first we’re supposed to count how many people live in our home, then we’re supposed to count how much money we owe them. I actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the IRS. Sorry, Grandma.” – Jimmy Kimmel
  • Two accountants are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches and other valuables. In the midst of the chaos, accountant No. 1 jams something in accountant No. 2’s hand. Without looking down, accountant No. 2 whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant No. 1 replies, “It’s that $50 I owe you.”
  • A man was floating along in a balloon and had lost his bearings. Finally he spotted a man standing on a hilltop and shouted out, “Where am I?”

The man on the hilltop responded, “You are in a balloon about 75 feet up.”

The man in the balloon responded, “You must be a tax lawyer because what you told me is totally accurate and totally useless.”

The tax lawyer on the hilltop responded, “You must be a tax accountant. You don’t know where you are or where you are going and now you are blaming the tax lawyer.”

  • Four accountants walk into a bar, and each orders a beer. They raise their glasses and make a toast: “Here’s to 59!” After downing their beers, they order another round and make the same toast: “Here’s to 59!” This happens again and again. Finally, the bartender asks the accountants what the significance of the toast is.

“Well,” said one of them, “we put a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle together in just 59 days!”

“And that’s a big deal?” asked the barkeep.

“You bet,” said the same accountant, “the box said 4 to 8 YEARS!!!”